Dear Alma, I’ve been saved by a dick pic

Dear Alma, I’ve been saved by a dick pic

Liebste Frau Alma

I have a happy ending to report

You may remember me, the player in a North German orchestra who has her ass grabbed by a member of the brass section. I had my retaliation and we were both suspended while the matter was investigated, which may take months.

I was beginning to look for other jobs when, what is it you say?, stuff happened.

One of the violists read in that the conductor of a south German orchestra stood down after he was found to be sending indecent selfies to female players. This violist knew that a friend of hers had received such a thing on her phone. The friend had kept the image – a ‘Richard picture’, I believe it is called in polite English.

The sender of the picture was not hard to identify. He was the man who grabbed my ass. Once the violas started talking about it, two other women came forward. Matters then moved very fast. The Intendantin called the police, who opened a file and told the image sender that he would be charged with sexual aggression. He resigned immediately from the orchestra to avoid reputation damage and announced that he was joining one of the Russian ensembles of Herr Gergiev, his former Munich music director. He did not know which orchestra (Vladivostok, I hope).

I was reinstated in the orchestra with a pleasant welcoming speech by the Intendantin, praising my courage in coming forward. The brass section put their hands in their pockets and bought me a huge bouquet of flowers. All’s well that ends well, almost.

My problem, dear Alma, is what do I do if I see the pregnant wife of the former ass-grabber. This is a small town and I am bound to bump into her. You may remember that she used to be in my ante-natal class. What do I say if she comes towards me and I cannot dive into a shop? I have driven her husband out of town.

Advice, please.

Dear Advice, please,

What a wonderful turn of events. The pervy perp has gotten his just desserts! A rare and spectacular fade-away to his career, to boot. Huzzah!

Now, to your quandary. Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Although she is in a tough spot (she has probably already given birth to her little bundle of joy), she cannot be unaware of her former (hopefully) partner. If he was so utterly gross in public, he must have really been barbaric behind closed doors. She must be thanking her lucky stars that someone took the initiative to kick his butt out of town.

I would remain completely normal around her, and not mention him or anything about the incidents. If she brings it up, just listen politely, to whatever she needs to get off her chest, even if it might be accusatory to you or offensive, remaining calm and supportive. She must be quite conflicted and overwhelmed at the moment, but she is free of that disgusting man, and will look back with gratitude to your struggles and triumph at running him out of town, and country.

Advice, please, thank you for your entertaining and thoughtful letters these months. They have been a great diversion for us all. Talley-ho and step carefully from now on, for certainly life will throw more curveballs in your direction!

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to



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