From our agony aunt:
Dear Alma,
I have been married for many years and have college-aged children. We have been members of the same orchestra for nearly this whole time. One year ago, he was diagnosed with a slow-moving but terminal disease, which has very few symptoms so far. We have kept this information between the two of us, not even sharing it with our kids.
After the diagnosis, he began to search out young women in the orchestra and had a series of affairs. He presented me with divorce papers last week, which I signed. I happen to know he has already asked a much younger member of the orchestra to marry him and she has accepted. Of course I am hurt, but secretly relieved to be rid of someone so callous and frankly, to not have the burden of taking care of him for the last 10 years of his life.
My question – do I have an obligation to let this young woman know about his diagnosis? I do feel for her – she is young and inexperienced, and this will take over her entire life. If I were to tell her, how would I go about that?
Sincerely,
Getting Played
Dear Getting Played,
Well, good for you for signing that divorce paper. I hope you got everything you wanted in the settlement and more. Terminal diagnosis affects relationships in surprising ways, and it seems as if your ex-husband views it as a final “hurrah”. Some exciting bedroom romps, ta-ta to my wife of ** years, the possibility of starting a new family, and finding a young clueless person to take care of him as he slowly passes into the next realm.
How painful this must be for you, for your kids, and ultimately for his new spouse. In my opinion, you have no obligation towards this new fiancé. It may be the best thing, emotionally, for you to truly divorce yourself from this situation, turning a blind eye to everything that happens from now on concerning this manipulative man. But, in some ways, wouldn’t it be just the right cure for your own mental health to stick that knife into his back, quickening his demise, and letting him feel a little of the pain he has inflicted on you?
If you do feel like finding a way to protect this fiancé (and of course it is possible that she already knows, although unlikely), make sure you are very discreet. Do not let on to him that anything is amiss. One way you could let her know is by leaving an anonymous note in her mailbox, printed from a printer not at your home. A very simple note. “Gary has been diagnosed with a terminal illness” or something along those lines. I would not speak to her or anyone else about this diagnosis.
But the most important thing here, Getting Played, is that you have not gotten played. You are out of a relationship where the person treated you with no respect as soon as their own situation changed. You are free to start a new life. Take that, and run with it.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
The post Dear Alma, Do I tell his new squeeze that my ex is dying? appeared first on Slippedisc.
