Dear Alma,
I am happily married, with two college-aged children and a husband I love and am compatible with. My problem? I keep finding myself in desperate crushes with people at work. I can’t stop thinking about them and I am sure they notice. Especially when we are on tour, and a certain number of orchestral members use these moments to hook up with each other or find people outside of orchestra, I find it hard to resist the urge to splurge. Recently one of my crushes asked me to a drink after orchestra and I couldn’t resist.
How am I supposed to keep faithful to my dear husband when there is such opportunity at work?
Please advise,
Conflicted
Dear Conflicted,
Nothing is more exciting than a crush. Overwhelming, obsessive, all-consuming. And if you are in a committed relationship, those secret feelings are most likely mixed up with all kinds of opposite emotions – guilt, fear, secrecy.
The good news here is that a majority of people experience crushes at work our outside of their home relationship. It’s entirely normal, and it’s a matter of being logical and following some basic tips to work your way back to your regular self.
The feelings you are feeling are hormonal – the mix of serotonin, adrenaline and dopamine – be cognizant of the fact that your body is reacting in a concrete manner to a fantasy, and take a step back to analyze your crush in a logical way.
You are in a committed relationship, but this doesn’t mean you are dead – you have fantasies and ups and downs just like everyone else. Try not to engage in flirtatious conversation with your crush – give it space to cool down. And it most likely will. Allow yourself to think about it – avoiding it won’t make it go away – but also don’t engage in escalating the crush. Having butterflies in your stomach around someone who isn’t your spouse doesn’t mean you aren’t in a happy relationship, no partner can fulfill every need of another, so it’s natural to imagine and look for other places to find excitement.
That being said, find ways to work you way back to normal. Maybe a list of what you know about your crush and what you don’t. And a list of what you can do to fill the holes in your current relationship with the excitement you are missing.
One trick I have used in the past is to take clear nail polish and paint my toenails. By the time the nail polish has grown off my big toe, that crush is usually gone. I enjoy looking down at my big toes and feeling that feeling disappear as the polish disappears. This silly method has never failed me.
Conflicted, workplace affairs will never positively affect your long-term work environment. Keep it clean and clear, and be thankful for your happy home life. You need to give it time and space, and realize that your feelings are a gateway to learn more about yourself and your committed relationship.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
The post Dear Alma, I’m unfaithful when on tour appeared first on Slippedisc.
