Dear Alma, Must I turn a blind eye to my partner’s affair?

From our agony aunt’s mailbag:

Dear Alma

Urgent request.

My deputy concertmaster is having sex with this season’s assistant conductor. She is 25, no commitments, on a learning curve with a man twenty years older than her. She has nothing to lose. He is the envy of his drinking pals.

He is married, with three teenage kids. His wife is the orchestra librarian.

This is going to get very messy, and very soon.

When people ask me afterwards ‘you must have known, why didn’t you do something?’ what on earth can I say?.As concertmaster I have many responsibilities but they surely don’t include disentangling inappropriate relationships.

Or do they?

Sidelined

Dear Sidelined,

There is nothing comfortable about being in the middle of an affair. Especially one in which you know the party who is being injured, in your case, the librarian wife. The young woman having an affair is not behaving in the best possible way, but it is the assistant conductor who truly offends and injures with his actions. Or so it seems from the limited information we have before us.

Do you say something? That depends on the rules of your orchestra. Is there a policy of no workplace affairs, an obligation by employees to share information about affairs, anything written about superiors not being allowed to have sexual relationships with those beneath them? Different workplaces have different rules, some very strict, some non-existent. It’s even possible that by NOT reporting the affair, you may be liable for withholding information at a later date.

My advice, Sidelined? If there isn’t anything written in your rules and regulations, I would steer clear and keep my head down. We can never know the true situation of anyone’s relationships. Perhaps the conductor/librarian are in the process of splitting, have an open relationship, or she is having an affair herself. If you aren’t obligated to stick your foot in, keep it in your shoe.

And it may actually be the young woman who is getting those high-fives and bragging rights at the bar. She might be having a terrific time, and might get more out of it in the end than the conductor himself.

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com

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