From our agony aunt:
Dear Alma,
I won my place in this orchestra together with my best friend from college. She’s outgoing, I’m so not.
Two seasons in, I think she’s slept with five musicians, including the conductor. I’m not censorious. Let her have fun.
But right now I think she’s two-timing her long-term cello (male) with a new young piccolo (female) and I have a feeling this is all going to end badly.
I love this girl. She’s my best friend and I don’t want her to get hurt. The way she’s going it’s going to end badly.
The way she looks at me, I could be her maiden aunt. Is there anything I can do to protect her before it all goes belly-up?
Before you ask, she and I once shared a bed for a drunken night at college but she made clear she doesn’t have feelings for me that way.
Maid Marion
Dear Maid Marion,
Yes. I also can’t see this ending well. There is the smallest possibility of it ending in a somewhat manageable way, but it would require quite a bit of good timing, some slight-of-hand, and a generous helping of luck.
Casual sex is more common than you might think, and can be a healthy and enjoyable part of life. However, sexual double standards vary in different societies. An active sex life for a woman can be seen as negative, whereas male activity can be seen as a normal (and encouraged) part of life.
That being said, you have presented me with a mixed bag of tidbits, some of which are irrelevant, and some of which directly relate. The things that should not matter, in my opinion, are the genders of the parties involved, your particular past romantic entanglement, and the number of relationships involved. The things that do potentially matter, again in my opinion, is that it is work-related, the rank of the involved parties, and the two-timing. These could be against the rules or just darned messy.
The main point here is that I know you care about your friend. You are worried. You don’t want to step on her freedom, and yet you want to protect her. I know it’s hard to hear, but she is an adult, although a young adult, and she needs to make her own path through life. She is not being harmed, and she is having a good time. We can see that her decisions may backfire on her professionally, but she is in charge of her life, no matter how much it doesn’t look like it from the outside. I would not probably put my foot in the situation. But if you absolutely must, it’s the following things that I would consider.
Is there a no-liaison policy at your orchestra that you have had to sign? Or a conductor/player policy? Sleeping with the conductor has many potentially thorny issues, but if it’s not officially verboten, then there is (hopefully) nothing to it. The two-timing. Hopefully she can find a way through that gracefully, although from the outside, it’s impossible to know if it’s a known factor between the parties. They all may be fine with open relationships.
You could find a calm time, and say to your friend something like “Beatrice – I hope you know how much I value our friendship. If you ever want someone to talk to, please know that I am here to listen”. If she takes you up on a coffee, don’t judge. Just listen.
Maid Marion, I love that you love your friend. But you are both consenting adults, no longer students. You must both find your way through life, in whichever way suits you best.
Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com
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