Dear Alma, I’m a high-functioning alcoholic musician

From our agony aunt:

Dear Alma,

I have been touring with the same broadway show for two years. It’s no secret that I have a drinking habit, but I am completely functional. The problem is that the person next to me messes up all of the time, and the conductor blames me just because I have been drinking. Also when someone passes has they also think it’s me but I am excellent at processing my personal gas. I always fart before I go into the pit, for example. I am a very serious musician and good at my job. I am just sick of being the easy target when anyone misbehaves.

Easy Target

Dear Easy Target,

Let’s get real here, Easy Target. You are drinking on the job. Before you worry about renegade flatulence or errant eighth notes, get yourself together, and embrace the teetotal lifestyle. Once you get your dipsomania under control, you will be able to discern with certainty who is the guilty party. Although you believe you are innocent, this is wishful thinking, as you are most certainly guilty, by your own admittance, of inappropriate workplace behavior. Get thee under control, then you can take the next step.

Questions for Alma? Please put them in the comments section or send to DearAlmaQuery@gmail.com

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